alright, okay

Sometimes things suck. Plain and simple. They just suck. Everything feels heavy. Things are louder than usual. Small noises are like explosions. You know what? Oh well. That's just how it is.

It has to be like that. How could we have moments of pure joy if not for shear terror? How could there be things to enjoy without things to loathe. Now, one thing you're going to learn about me if you join me on my journey is that I am a firm believer in yin and yang. Polarity. Two sides to every coin. An experience and an experiencer. I can't seem to fathom there being any other way for things to be. If things are, that implies that some things are NOT. Because of that, there is always an underlying binary. The simplest truth. Everything else? Built on top of that.

I will say it time and time again, it's crazy that we even exist. But because we do, we may not. That gives way to love. To choice. To... everything it seems.

It's all up to how we look at things. I've been through my fair share of shitty moments. But I can see good things still. I can find ways to be happy. There are moments that are just so beautiful that it makes all of the pain worth it.

I had one of those moments not too long ago. It was one I shared with only myself. And for the first time in what felt like forever, I felt like I was truly going to be okay. The sun was out, it wasn't too hot, the birds were chirping, and I was playing my favorites tunes on a walk in my favorite place. All was right. In that moment I realized that I could feel that peace by myself. I've spent most of my life thinking I could only be complete with someone else sharing in my life. What a completely limiting belief. To believe that my peace depends on someone else being a part of it? Pft. No thank you. Don't get me wrong having beautiful mornings like that with someone to share it with is great. But the reassurance I felt when it was just me... overwhelming. I keep wanting to say that it would be better with someone... It wouldn't. That would defeat the entire point of it. Being whole as my whole self.

That is what I feel God is doing. Imagine being the ultimate being... The only ultimate being. If there was something bigger, then you wouldn't be the ultimate. If there were others, same story. There can only be one true ultimate. Imagine how lonely that must be. Knowing that for all eternity it's just you. Heavy.

I don't usually like trying to put myself in God's shoes because people tend to get rubbed the wrong way but if I was God, I'd probably do everything in my power to forget that I was. Actually thinking that just gave me this thought, which lead to a really pleasant feeling. What if prayer is God trying to console itself. Reminding itself that it doesn't have to be alone as long as it pretends to be something else. That's both super sad but also super fulfilling. I can't imagine how painful it must be to create a whole species to have someone to talk to but some of them completely ignore you. Ouch. Luckily, God's used to it. One of the perks of being God I suppose.

Anyways, sometimes things suck. Sometimes they don't. Just remember things could always be worse. In the same way, they can also get better.

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~Nyk