friendship

Okay, what even is a friend? No, really. Think about it? Is it someone that talks nicely to you? Is it someone with shared interests? Is it someone that has similar perspectives? Is it someone that shows up for you? Is it someone that is there when other people aren't? Is it someone that tells you the thing you may not want to hear but need to?

I've had people say I was like their best friend, but they would bail last minute... I used to have a group of "friends" that would leave the call when I joined just to go start another one. I've had people tell me they love me but wouldn't take my side when it counted. I've gone through hell with people that switch up the moment their reputation is at stake.

Truth be told, I don't just hand out that title anymore. Acquaintance is often more fitting. That's someone I can chat with. Play games with (like video games). But a friend? Mmm... Not really.

To me, the line separating friend from partner is very... thin. A partner is basically a friend you can have sex with. At least to me. My definition of friend is more synonymous with "best friend". Why add the extra fluff? Why have levels to friendship? Simple. So you can rate people according to how well they serve you. A real friend would never.

A real friend would sit in the sh*t with you and crack jokes. A real friend would risk their reputation for the right thing. A real friend would show up when it's beyond difficult. A real friend would stand up for what they think is right in spite of your actions. A real friend isn't afraid to walk away if they're abused. But they won't do so without a warning. They won't hesitate to tell you if you f*cked up.

I haven't been a great friend to a lot of people. But I feel as though I've been a better friend to people than they have ever been to me. Of course, that's only from my perspective. I'm biased. I can't help but feel I've been screwed over time and time again. I find myself asking if I'm the problem. I find a way to blame myself for the shortcomings of others. That's simply unfair to me. So, I've started to learn how to walk away.

There's toxicity almost everywhere you go. One thing remains true: a tree will never grow in poisoned soil. Find the place that feels like home.

<2

~Nyk