history, but backwards

I know pain. Looking back, it's hard to see anything but the pain. For whatever reason, the pain leaves a much greater impression on the mind. Sure, I had so many blessings. Blessings beyond the wildest dreams of most. Yet how come it's the pain that is always at the forefront of my awareness? When I think back to my childhood, I of course remember all the great trips I was blessed to go on, all the toys, the computers. Some would say I was pretty spoiled. But I also remember being called spoiled. I remember being called lazy. I remember feeling like it was best if I kept my mouth shut and head down.

I used to blame everyone for my problems. That maybe if my parents showed a little more interest in what I cared about... or didn't yell as much... I say that knowing all too well they could read this someday. If they are, hey! It's not your fault. You guys had pain too. Pain that y'all were never taught how to deal with. Pain that at the time I never even knew you were carrying. You guys did great! You gave me everything a kid could've ever wanted. I'd still do anything for either of you. I hope you know that. I certainly haven't been the best at showing it. We've yelled at each other. Called each other names. Said things under our breath. Did things we didn't really mean. That's the problem with emotions. Sometimes they seem to just take control.

Sometimes it feels like I was stuck in the crossfire between two people that made it work purely for my sake. Whether that's true or not, the feeling is still there. Unspoken expectations and resentments that ended up being taken out on the nearest target. A tough day at work, incredible back pain, serious unresolved trauma from a life before, and a whining little kid? Recipe for a hair trigger. I can't fault them. I don't have my own kids yet, but I have been around them and can absolutely see how it would be very easy to let the emotions carry me away. Do things I regret. Say things that cut deeper than I will ever know.

But I am doing everything I can to get myself in check. So that I can notice my emotions and make a decision if I want to act on them or not. It has been absolutely grueling. I understand why people avoid it. To sit in that raging fire within and do nothing about it? It burns. To look someone in the eye and tell them how they are hurting you? Terrifying. There's only been two people that have stayed in my life after telling them how they hurt me. My parents. That's real love. Everyone else? Gone. Heart broken... On multiple occasions. Some of them I didn't even tell them they were hurting me. I would project my fears. Simply because I didn't have the words to describe what I was feeling. What does that look like now? Being petrified to fall in love. At a moment's notice, they may just leave. It looks like constantly checking my phone to see if my crush has texted me... It looks like rereading every word I said to make sure I didn't give the wrong idea. It looks like rereading every word they sent and trying to find their true intent even when they've spoken them directly. It looks like feeling as though I should remove myself from any situation where I am feeling hurt because somehow I see that it's my fault. It looks like worrying about saying something to my parents because I feel like they may decide they don't want me around anymore. It looks like waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat because I feel like I said something wrong.

There's this constant ache in my heart. Maybe it's my stomach. Constantly nervous that I may lose those I care most about. That I need to always be performing because if I'm not, then I don't deserve to be loved. It sucks. Like, how do I explain the feeling of panic that arises when someone is simply standing just watching me do something? The yelling that takes over my mind... That I'm moving too slow. That the area is too messy. That something else needs to be done. That what I'm doing is a waste of time.

More than anything, I am learning how to be my own safe space. It's not going to happen overnight. It will take time. A lot of it. I just need to keep showing up for myself like I wish someone else would. Maybe do some more breathing exercises. Run a little more. Hit the bag some. I don't like feeling like my emotional state depends on the state of another. At the end of the day, it's me, myself, and I. If those three can't get along... There's always going to be trouble.

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~Nyk