choices

This one is about something I've only recently realized I've been struggling with. Taking on the burden of other people's choices. As I've said in previous posts, I know pain. I've had people break my heart, let me down, betray me, harass me, etc. An unfortunate side effect of this pain is that I started to believe that not only did I deserve it, but that it was my fault. By some stretch of the imagination, I began finding ways that I caused other people to inflict pain upon me. Huh?

It was my fault that my friends would leave a call and start another without me. It was my fault that the girl that said she loved me was getting "good morning beautiful" texts from other guys. It was my fault that people would talk about me behind my back. It was my fault that someone else vandalized my motorcycle.

You know, because obviously, if I had done this, that, or the other, they wouldn't have done those things. If I was a little more how they wanted me to be, they would like me more. If I respected myself less and became more like them, they'd respect me more.

Get TF out of here with that self-abandonment BS. Life has a way of putting you through things to teach you lessons. This is by far the most important lesson life has taught me. I even wrote about how I felt the Bible saying the same thing to me. "Anyone who puts someone else above their own self is not deserving of their self". I believe that's from Matthew. Not the exact quote, but that's how I interpreted it. Someone who yearns for the good things someone else has isn't worthy of the good things meant for their own self. Because simply put, the good things meant for their own self are the BEST things for their own self. There cannot be something better than what's meant for you. In one way or another, the pain you experience is specifically designed to teach only you the lesson life wants to learn through you. Your experience is only resonant with your experience. So if your experience includes some forgotten belief about yourself, then you will continue to resonate with that belief.

Law of attraction, put simply: You are what you are. You will be what you are. If you are in the state of wanting to be something you're not, then you will continue to be in the state of wanting to be something you are not. I seriously find that so hard to believe, though. But it's never felt more true to me than in this very moment. Of course, I've heard that on social media, but the external world is just... a reflection. The social media is us seeing what we are currently. And if what we are currently is someone who is looking for something because they don't know what to look at, then all we will see are the things we want to look like. So instead of looking for something to look at, find something. Commit to something. That thing that lingers? That's probably a good start. That To-Do list? Yeah. Look there instead. At least then you can be sure of what you should look at. Being sure of what we're looking at is resonant with having the things we want. It's focus. It's presence. It's intentional. It's flow. When we can begin to notice the tiniest changes moment to moment, like a single letter appearing after another, that's how we know we are where we belong.

The choices other people make have nothing to do with you. They are going to do what is most resonant with what they have already done. Whether or not they are aware of this is not your problem. They can only become aware of it through their own exceptionally specific set of circumstances. Maybe your exiting their life is one of those circumstances that leads to a profound shift. Maybe it's just a drop in a bucket. Or a bucket in an ocean. It's not worth your time to try and figure it out. You're better off looking at yourself. Find what feels most resonant with you. Be fully who you are now. Change one tiny thing at a time. You're not changing because you want to be something different. You're changing because if you don't, you stay the same for all eternity. Not forever. Eternal. Without time. No passing. Nothing to compare to. Complete stillness. The infinity in-between every moment. You can't notice it. Like the silence between words. It's there. A tangent. Open to you for as long as you wish to stay the same. Gone the instant something changes. As if it never happened. Only to be found again with each passing moment. That is willpower. The tiny changes. The near instant jumping of awareness. From one finger to the next. Now to that background noise. Maybe the music playing. Or that change. That's actually you changing things. And by you I mean us. For you're doing the same thing reading this as I am writing this. I can only hope that your awareness of it is as profound as mine.

So let me remind you. It's always up to you. Stay the same? Or change the next thing. The choice of what to focus on is a start. I see you. I feel you.

<2

~Nyk