forgiveness

I struggle with this. I struggle letting things go. Especially things that have hurt me before. And people that have hurt me. At the same time, I won't hesitate to give someone a second chance. I guess that could be a good thing. Some people deserve a second chance. Other people will never change. There's only one way to find out who is who. Give them another chance. Don't do it blindly. Take not of what went wrong and express this to them.

There are 3 things I look for in an apology.

1) Acknowledgement. Take accountability for what you did and the effect it had on me.

2) Adjustment. What can you do to avoid causing the same problem in the future.

3) Act. Make good on your adjustment.

Let's say someone flakes on you. You express to them how this affected you. Tell them you felt disappointed or disrespected. If they don't acknowledge your perspective, it's a good indicator that it will happen again. If they do, what are they going to do differently next time? Be more communicative? Give a heads up? Let them state this. Then, observe. Notice if they are making an effort to stay true to their word. Hold them to it too. If they start slipping, call it out. That's what a good friend does. They push you to be the best version of yourself. That version is someone who says what they mean and means what they say. If they regress even with correction, might be time to start considering letting them go. Eventually they may end up dragging you down with them. As painful as it is, it may be less so than letting yourself lose sight of your bigger picture.

At the end of the day, it's up to you as to what you do and don't allow in your life. If you're okay being used and abused... well I can't make you not okay with that. All I can do is not be okay with it and live my life accordingly.

Granted, I'm a sucker for pretty words. I definitely need to start being less receptive to just words and shift my focus towards action. Are they showing up for me the way I feel I deserve? If not, why are they around?

Truth is, I may or may not be referencing a crush that I have at the moment. Look, from the little I know, she's great. Her words are intoxicating. She's adorable. But she did flake my first attempt at a FaceTime call. Now, did I even call her? No. I just texted asking if she was open. Did we agree on the day and time prior? Yes. I suppose I held a reasonable expectation that there would be adherence to intent. I garnered that expectation from my own standard of timeliness. If I tell someone I am going to be somewhere at a certain time, I am going to be there no later than that time. I would do so even in the face of adversity. That comes from the rigidity I collected in the military. It comes from all of the times I've been left out. It comes from knowing the feeling of being the friend that has to walk behind the other two on the sidewalk. To me that's a perfectly reasonable expectation. And when my crush no-showed without so much as a heads up, I was disappointed. I felt disrespected. I opened up time specifically for her just to have it squandered... Not the end of the world though. In fact, I partially expected it... ask my therapist. I told her how I was pretty sure that it was going to happen that way. I told my crush that I felt disrespected. I told her how I was up late at night wondering what went wrong. I was letting myself spiral for really no good reason. But guess what? The next morning she responds, she acknowledged that it was not a great move on her part, she told me she is going to make an effort to be a better communicator. I get it, these are just words. It's not like she called me as soon as she saw it. It's not like she went tremendously far out of her way to show me. So I am still operating from a place of cautious optimism. It was a great lesson for me as this was a pattern I've seen play out in my life numerous times. Pretty girl shows up, talks all sweet, and ghosts. Leaving me to wonder what happened. Little did I know, it was never about me. But also it kind of was. I simply wasn't what they were looking for. Someone that will capitulate at the slightest pullback. Someone that will sacrifice their goals for a simple pretty girl. If I was a girl, I wouldn't want that either. I'd want somebody that knows what they want. Somebody that shows up for themselves better than anyone else. If they treat themselves right, they'd surely treat others right as well. But if they neglect themselves? Not a great sign.

So what did I learn? It ain't about the girl. It never was. It never will be. She's just a bonus. It's about being there with myself. Getting comfortable with who I am. Going after what I want. Making the effort to be who I dream of being. So if my crush is reading this, I do truly hope we continue to grow closer together, but I will always prioritize my goals and dreams above you. However, one of my dreams is having a hot wife and a couple of kids. So in a sense, you are a priority. Just not my only priority. In the same sense, I hope I'm not your only priority. I want you to chase the things you want to chase too. I'm more than happy watching from the sideline, but if you want my help, I'll be there.

Remember that even the most difficult moments are the greatest opportunities for growth.

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~Nyk