figuring myself out

What does that mean? To figure yourself out? Well... That's what I'm figuring out. Of course there is the surface level stuff, your favorite food, hobbies, and routines. Then there is the deep stuff. Figuring out how and why you think what you think. Noticing your habits. Noticing yourself noticing yourself. It goes deeper. When you start thinking about how you think, you start to see your own mind functioning. The more you think the more you begin to understand how you think.

So what have I figured out? Too much and not enough. There's a bizarre natural order to things. Things do seem to work out in ways we can never predict. I mean, think about chess... Within in 5 move, how many possible board positions are there? Way too many. Now think about life. From the moment you wake up, there are so many possibilities. Infinite.

Off topic (not really) but it just happened so I wanted to write about it while it was fresh. Sometimes I stand up too fast and everything I know, concepts, vision, language, all just... goes away. It blurs into a cacophony of colors and pressures in places all over, there is no longer the knowledge of a body. It seems that there is simply awareness experiencing... stuff. To me, it's honestly one of the best feelings ever. The weight of the world seems to dissolve. There is no me. There is no identity. Just... feeling. Awareness of all directions. But then, it all starts to come back. Certain shapes start to tell stories of other shapes. A point becomes a corner. A corner gives way to walls. Walls become spaces. Then there's somewhere for something to be. And if there's something to be, then there's something to see it. If there's something to see it, that means the something seeing it isn't the thing it's seeing. And alas, I've figured out the self.

Usually coming out of this, I am flooded with a sense of dread. Coming to terms with all of my wrongs. But that's the nature of good and evil. That's polarity. If there is a self, there is something other than self. An illusion of separation. But that means there must be something to happen before something else. Cause and effect. So why do I feel so dreadful right after the best feeling ever? Balance. It's the feelings organizing themselves. Everything dissociating into infinite different places to give the appearance of something finite. Concentrated energy, pure existence, taking form.

Truthfully none of this may make any sense.

As for figuring myself out... I feel like I was created in God's image. God imagining what it would be like to not be everything but to be something. So what? Well... maybe our job is to stop trying to figure it all out. Stick to our own little corner of infinity and play.

But what do I know... I'm just a dude.

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~Nyk